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Friday, May 3, 2013

My Cross or My Blessed Life - My Decision

It has been a year since my last miscarriage. 

I am 37 years old now, and I feel like that miscarriage may be my last. 

I have not been handling that thought well at all. I have been sick with a cold, and I have spent way too much of my time on the couch stuck in my head, thinking about all my lost babies and wondering if there will be anymore. My anxiety level has been high, and I have not been the most positive person to be around. 

Tuesday night I was having trouble falling asleep, so I grabbed my Kindle and decided to pray the rosary with the help of an app. Since it was Tuesday, I prayed the sorrowful mysteries. When I got to the fourth sorrowful mystery I read these words: 

Jesus speaks to the weeping women; "Weep not for me, but for yourselves and your children. If anyone is to be my disciple let him take up his cross and follow me." Father by the merits of this painful journey to Calvary, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 

Although these words are not new to me, they touched me in a new way. I felt peace, finished my rosary, and finally had a restful night of sleep.

 photo IMG_0051.jpg
Holden and Thomas 2007


Infertility, as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and recurrent miscarriage, is my cross. All too often I have bent under the weight of it, stumbling and crying as I carry it.  Instead of carrying my cross, I have allowed it to pin me down and keep me stuck in a painful place.  

I spend too much time dwelling on the past, worrying about the future, but not enough time enjoying the present. 

My life is filled with amazing people that God has blessed me with. I want to be focused on them and their needs. I want them to know that they are loved and important. 

I think I am finally ready to let go of my fertility. It has never been mine to control anyway.

God is the Creator of life. He is the one in control, and as long as we remain open to it new life can come if it is His will.

God knows my heart, but more importantly He knows what is best for me.

It is time for me to stop telling Him what I think I need, and time for me to focus on listening to Him, thanking Him and fully enjoying what He has so generously given to me.

I have to carry my cross, but I don't have to be crippled under the weight of it.

God's love and mercy will support me.

 photo IMG_0546.jpg
Holden, Thomas, and Ralph 2008


10 comments:

  1. That's a handsome group of boys you have there, Erica. You are blessed! : )

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  2. Erica, this is a very touching post. "I have to carry my cross, but I don't have to be crippled under the weight of it." Beautifully said! (And I'll pray for you as you carry yours.)

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    1. Laura, you are so kind. I appreciate the prayers. Thank you.

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  3. Beautiful post. Praying for you. Sometimes what sounds so simple can be so hard to do!

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  4. Due to a medically necessary hysterectomy, I can no longer have children. It has been 2 years, but it still saddens me greatly. I have been having a bit of a pity party for myself because my baby is 4 now and no longer a baby. But after reading your beautifully written post, I am inspired to shift my perspective. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Nicole, I am sorry that you are hurting. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your kind comment. I am glad that my words encouraged you!

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